Making a difference

From the minute Liam and Grace came into this World I wanted them to have a purpose. For the short time they were here they brought me and their daddy so much. They made us parents, they showed us what it is like to love someone unconditionally with all your heart. They gave us so many memories with them, made us feel complete, made our house their home. They brought so much love with them and gave us the best few days together. Although Liam and Graces time was so short they made an immeasurable mark on me and their loving family. And I want others to know and understand how much they have brought us.

So how do you ever start to repay these two special little people who brought us so much but are gone so soon? The only way I can think of is to tell people about them, ensure that they are never forgotten. To give them a voice and a legacy in any way I can. It’s why I started writing this blog. It’s why I started the campaign with Feileacain to get buildings lighting up blue and pink, it’s the only way I get to be their mammy now and show the world how important they and other babies gone too soon are. It’s hard to know how you can help people understand how special our babies are to us and always will be.

And it makes me burst with pride that Liam and Grace are making a difference. Recently someone told me that a person in their workplaces wife sadly gave birth to a stillborn little girl. This person explained that because of reading Liam and Graces blog she knew how important it is to acknowledge their precious baby. She asks her colleague about their baby, even asked if they would like to share a photo, which they proudly did. She told me that she feels comfortable talking about their baby because of this blog. And how special is that! How wonderful to know that someone else’s pain is hopefully eased even just for a few moments when they get to talk about their little girl because of my precious babies. That is what it’s all about. Also the bereavement midwife in the hospital Liam and Grace were born in told me that she printed their blog and gives it to trainee midwives to read. She said it gives them an insight into one mams experience and she hopes it will help them understand the complex feelings and emotions that happen when you are giving birth to babies who won’t survive. And I hope that by reading about Liam and Grace they will be better equipped to help other parents who will sadly have the same experience as us.

A few weeks ago Feileacain asked me if I’d like to give an interview to RSVP magazine. I jumped at the opportunity to reach out and tell more people about Liam and Grace and the wonderful work Feileacain do. It amazes me how different I feel about things like talking to a journalist now. Before Liam and Grace I would have run a mile away but now I welcome every opportunity to tell the World about Liam and Grace in the hope of making a difference in their name and honour. And following the article I was invited on 2fm to talk to the lovely Jennifer Zamperelli about Liam and Grace and about grief in general. And I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed at the feedback since that interview a few days ago. In the last few days over 1,500 people from around the world have visited this blog and read about my precious babies. I can’t explain in words how much that means to me as it means so many people are thinking about Liam and Grace.

And I’ve received so many private messages from people in similar situations who have suffered the pain of baby loss. I am humbled that they have been able to connect with me and share their story. People have expressed that my thoughts and feelings expressed through this blog are exactly the same as how they feel. I understand how much it can help when you find someone who speaks your language and understands your pain. Burying your own child is something nobody should experience. And the thoughts and feelings that follow such a traumatic experience are overwhelming. They can literally make you question if you are losing your mind. It is such a lonely and scary place to find yourself. I remember searching the web looking to read blogs, articles…anything that would tell me that other people felt the same way as me. So I get it when they tell me that it has helped them and it makes me feel blessed that by sharing my babies I have helped others in some small way. And although I have no words of wisdom or a magic wand to make them feel better I hope that they feel comforted and less lonely by connecting with the words of another heartbroken mammy.

However, I must admit that I do feel a bit of a fraud though when people say how strong or brave I am. A lot of people who have been in touch over the last few days have commented about me being strong and this worries me. I suppose it’s made me realise the dangers of social media and the impressions people can get. And I guess it worries me that other bereaved parents see me as being strong because it’s so far removed from how I feel. And I worry because I know it’s human nature to compare ourselves. I fear that mammys in the same situation might question themselves and compare themselves to someone as they see as strong. And I want them to know that I feel exactly the same things they feel. Of course we are all different and we all grieve in our own way but some people were messaging me as if I have moved on from my grief and that I’m fixed now and they seem to feel that they’re different to me. But I haven’t moved on and I’m certainly not fixed. It’s hard to know what to say as I’m just a grieving mammy too but I want to connect with them as I know how isolating baby loss is.

I try to be honest and all I can really say is that I understand their pain, I know how crippling baby loss is. I understand the awful anxiety, the depths of pain and the endless guilt that comes with baby loss. And it’s still the same for me now even though I’m talking on the radio and campaigning to get buildings lighting up. I still go to counselling every week and take tablets to help me sleep at night. There are times when the love I have for Liam and Grace enable me to do things I never thought possible such as radio interviews and there are times when the pain of losing my precious babies makes me question how my heart is still beating. But the love I have for Liam and Grace and the joy they brought to me and their daddy makes every bit of the pain worthwhile. And I can only hope that will be the same for every heartbroken parent. And I always suggest that they contact the support line in Feileacain. Then they can talk to bereaved mammys who are much further along this journey than me who can offer them hope as they know that time does help. They always explain how the love and pain never goes away but that we learn to cope better with it, it just takes time.

Following the interview with Jen I have heard from other buildings who will light up blue and pink on 15th October and a company made a very generous donation to Feileacain after hearing the interview. This makes me so proud as I know how important these donations are to Feileacain and I know the difference it makes. But the message that made me proudest was from a bereaved mammy who works in an office. She said they had 2fm on in the office and after listening to the interview 2 people in her office asked her about her precious baby and she expressed how much that meant to her. I was so pleased for her and also so proud of Liam and Grace as I know without any doubt that they are making a difference!