Feels Like Home

If you knew how much this moment means to me, And how long I’ve waited for your touch, If you knew how happy you are making me I never thought that I’d love anyone so much. It feels like home to me, It feels like home to me, It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from, It feels like home to me, It feels like home to me, Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong. (Feels like Home, Chatal Kreviazuk)

I can vividly remember the moment the bereavement midwife told me I could bring Liam and Grace home. It felt like I had been told I’d just won the lotto! I’d been sitting there all morning looking at my beautiful babies wondering what happens next, but been too scared to ask…..I was terrified someone was going to come in and take them from me. When I found out we could bring them home my heart jumped with pure joy. This was possible due to the amazing charity Feileacain, a lady would come to my house and set up a cuddle cot to keep Liam and Grace’s temperature cold (although I must admit they didn’t spend long in it, we were too busy cuddling them ourselves).

I loved walking out of the hospital with their daddy carrying our precious babies, I felt like the proudest mammy in the world. I couldn’t wait for them to come home and meet their loving family. It was such a special time as both my family and Alan’s family got to meet Liam and Grace and we took lots of photos. There was of course lots of crying over the weekend but I also remember lovely moments of laughter too. I think the best description of our house for the whole weekend was like being wrapped in a huge cosy blanket of LOVE. All I could feel was love. Love for Liam and Grace, love for me and Alan, I have never felt such love. Although I said there was lots of crying, I don’t remember crying at all, I think I got teary at times but I didn’t cry. I remember thinking there will be lots of time for crying after but I’m not wasting this precious time crying while Liam and Grace are with us. I was simply too happy to be finally holding my precious babies to be crying.

When the lovely lady from Feileacain arrived she had the clay ready to make Liam and Grace’s hand and foot prints. All our family got to watch this special moment and I know how grateful they feel for being present for it. I proudly held Liam and Grace as she carefully did their prints. Of course our little diva Grace didn’t want her hand straight in her print, I mean why be the same as everyone else, and her pinkie was crossed in her print. I LOVE this! I believe she was making a pinkie promise and her print really suited how we imagine her personality would have been. Liam being a good boy made a really strong hand print, and I believe this would have suited his personality. I absolutely love both prints and the beautiful memory of making them surrounded by the love of our family will stay with me forever.

There were so many memories from that weekend…..from playing “All around the Garden” and “This little Piggy” on their hands and feet, taking photos of Liam and Grace with all the things that matter to us – our wedding rings, a scan picture we have of our 3rd miscarriage, their great granny’s brooch, I wanted to connect them to everything. It was such a lovely, happy family time and a weekend we will treasure forever. That weekend I believe Liam and Grace made our house a home. And although they are no longer here with us, our home is filled with special memories of them and I will always be so grateful to them both for giving me the best weekend of my life and for making a house their home.

My daddy held me close a love pure and true, Mama keeps me in her broken heart that’s how the light gets through, They say that home is where the heart is and I know within your hearts I’ll always have a home. (The Shortest Time, Colin Deady)