Who would you be? What would you look like when you looked at me for the very first time? Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, I’m always asking why this crazy world had to lose such a ray of light we never knew, gone too soon, yeah. Would you have been president? Or a painter, an author or sing like your mother, one thing is evident would’ve given all I had, would’ve loved ya like no other. (Daughtry, Gone too Soon)

I wish with all my heart Liam and Grace were here. I wish I could kiss them, cuddle them and keep them safe. I wish I could spend each day getting to know them and their little personalities more. I would give anything to watch them develop into independent people with their individual characteristics and personalities. Although they are twins, they are also two individuals and I wonder what differences and similarities they would share. I imagine Liam as being laid back, easy going, placid, happy to be in the background but full of strength and courage. I imagine Grace as being a messer, full of divilment, fun, ruling the roost and bossing her big brother Liam around. I picture Grace as petite in build but with a big personality and a cheeky smile that would light up a room. I picture Liam bigger and stronger than Grace in build but with a quieter personality. But I know I’m basing these thoughts and images solely on our scans, when they were first born, my gut instinct and little funny strange things that have happened since they died. I don’t know them for sure, I’ll never know for definite but I think that’s how I’ll always imagine them both.

Because Liam and Grace were born prematurely I don’t know exactly how old they would be if they lived. I imagine they would be about 10/11 months now. I can almost picture what it would be like to have two little babies nearly a year old. I picture a hectic life (I can almost feel the tiredness) the endless washing, the worry about teething rashes and high temperatures, the struggle to fit everything into a day. And I also picture gorgeous gummy smiles and little chuckles when I’d tickle them and sing to them in a funny voice. These images are all so clear in my head that it’s hard to believe they are not real.

Life will always be full of what if’s for us. I will always wonder what if Liam and Grace lived, what if I got to hold them in my arms instead of my heart, what if I got to wake up each morning and come home each day to see them both. What if I got to kiss their faces each day, got to read “Guess how much I love you” every night before bed, got to sneak in later to make sure they were asleep only to stop in complete awe, overwhelmed with so much love for them, whilst also hoping they’d stay asleep for as long as possible! What if I was tired from looking after two babies all day instead of knowing the tiredness that comes with grief and loss. What if people said their names without fear of upsetting me, what if they asked to look at recent photos of them, what if they would say who they look like instead of pretending they were never born. What if I got to be a true member of the mammy club and got to share and hear mammy stories that only included living breathing children. What if my google searches were about childhood illnesses and developmental milestones instead of about bills and acts as you desperately search to understand how legislation can be changed in Ireland so your son can be formally recognised by the State.

And then there are the billion if onlys. If only I could have given birth a few weeks later. If only we got to buy them toys, clothes, nappies, anything except flowers for their grave and a headstone. If only we were agonising over childcare instead of how to pick a headstone that shows how special and loved they are. If only we got to worry about fussy eating, teething rashes and vaccinations. If only we thought heartache was leaving Liam and Grace crying in a creche while we had to rush to work instead of knowing that real heartache is saying goodbye to your children forever. If only we got to make new memories each day instead of re-living our few days together over and over again terrified of forgetting any tiny part of our special time together.

I wish life was different. I wish we were proud parents to our living, breathing son and daughter. I wish Liam and Grace were here to feel all our love, I wish their family got to show them how much they love them. I wish their cousins got to have a normal relationship with them both. I wish they loved them but also fought with them. I wish they didn’t visit them in a graveyard, I wish they didn’t know that babies die. I wish Liam and Grace weren’t so perfect, I wish they weren’t thought of as two little “angels”. I wish they got to be two little divils, testing my patience. I wish we were starting the terrible two’s soon with lots of toddler tantrums. I wish I got to be a normal mammy with normal stresses and worries. Basically I wish we just got to be a normal family.

It’s the normal everyday things I miss, the ordinary mundane days that I crave the most. Walks in the local park pushing a double buggy, going to the playground and pushing them on the swings, watching their little faces as they got their first taste of solid foods. It’s nothing too exciting or different I wish for, I know how happy we would be with a simple life full of love.

Sometimes the loss of Liam and Grace can hit in unexpected ways. Just the other day as I walked into the local school (which is just around the corner from us) to vote, I felt sadness overwhelm me. It is so hard to know that the only time I’ll walk into that school now, the school that played such an important part in our choice of house as it was in our estate, is to vote. I’ll never get to walk Liam and Grace into school. In four years time no one will even know that there are two children missing from the junior infants classes. No one will notice that there is one proud mammy and daddy missing who would give anything to be walking their son and daughter into school for the first time. But myself and Alan will know. We’ll always know what Liam and Grace should be doing, we’ll always know what they are missing out on. And it will keep breaking our hearts that they are not here with us.

Alan recently asked me if I thought twins should go into separate classes in school or be in the same class. It was such a tough question. I found myself ruminating on what we would have done for most of the night. I questioned what would be the right thing to do, what would Liam and Grace have preferred and what would be best for them both. I kept changing my mind, struggling to figure out what would be the right thing to do but then eventually the sad lightbulb moment went off in my head. I realised it doesn’t matter what I think, we’ll never have to make that decision. I believe it is a tough choice, I honestly believe we would have agonised over it for a long time but I wish with all my heart those were the type of tough decisions we would have to make for Liam and Grace. I wish those were the decisions that caused me sleepless nights. Now my sleepless nights are wondering if there is an afterlife, hoping with all my heart there is and that Liam and Grace are happy and safe. I wish I knew for certain, if I could just know they are happy, life would be so much easier.

Of course there are also lots of what if’s I’m grateful for. What if Feileacain didn’t exist. What if we didn’t get to bring Liam and Grace home. What if we didn’t have the wonderful memories of holding them, kissing them, bathing them, singing to them and loving them like no other. What if we didn’t have these lovely, special memories and photos of our time together. What if we didn’t have a great family and friends who support us and love our children. What if their cousins were afraid to say their names or worse didn’t even know about them. Sometimes you have to be thankful for all you got. Don’t get me wrong it’s not always easy to be grateful when Liam and Grace’s time here was so short but I do know how lucky we are. Lucky to be parents to such special, precious babies and I would never want to change the time we had together. But I will always wish we had more time and I will always think if only I could hold them and kiss them even if it was only once more.

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes, and save these questions for another day, I promised I would never leave you, then you should always know wherever you may go, no matter where you are I never will be far away. Goodnight my angel, now it’s time to sleep, and still so many things I want to say (Billy Joel, Lullaby)

It’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be Alan’s second father’s day without Liam and Grace. To be honest I don’t really remember much about the first. I think we were both still in shock really. I remember it was our first “occasion” after Liam and Grace had been born and died and I wasn’t sure how to mark it for Alan. I bought him a present but it was writing his card that I found most difficult. I had bought a bereaved daddys card but I didn’t know whether to write it from Liam and Grace. I questioned if this would be ok or if others would consider it weird. In the end I thanked Alan for being the best Daddy to Liam and Grace and signed it from me. But a year on I’m much more comfortable writing cards from Liam and Grace, in fact I love writing them. And I don’t care what anyone thinks! The other thing I remember from last year is the heartbreak of going with Alan to visit their grave and his dad’s grave on father’s day. I literally thought my heart would break looking at the man I love having to visit both his dad and his children in a graveyard. It felt so cruel and I wish with all my heart this wasn’t Alan’s reality for every Father’s day now. It can be so hard watching Alan’s pain and knowing I can’t fix it or make it better. But this I believe is something all bereaved parents have to learn as sadly there is nothing we can do to make it better.

I don’t remember exactly when I knew Alan was “the one”. But I do know that I made the choice based on both the kind of daddy he would make as well as the kind of husband. I always wanted the daddy to my children to be similar to my dad. Someone hardworking, caring, loving and above all else someone who would always puts family first. I always knew Alan shared these same characteristics as my dad and I knew he would make the best Daddy when the time came. Of course I also knew he would be a great husband because in many ways the two are intrinsically linked.

And now every day Alan proves me right. Since the day Liam and Grace were born Alan has been the best Daddy to them. And I believe being a daddy to children who have died can be even harder than if they are here with you every day. I know I’ve said it before but I don’t think Alan could have shown the depth of his love for me and Grace more than letting us spend every second of Grace’s short life together. It still amazes me that he sacrificed holding Grace when she was alive as he knew the best place for her was to stay on her mammy’s chest and he didn’t want to disturb this by holding her. I have never loved Alan more or been prouder of him than the weekend we spent together as a family. The pure love Alan showed to Liam and Grace and the caring way he spoke and held them are memories I will always treasure. He loves our children unconditionally and I now love him as both my husband and as the daddy to our two children. Of course there is no doubting that the past year has been so hard for us both but we have also gained so much by Liam and Grace coming into our lives and making us their proud mammy and daddy.

So although tomorrow will be a sad day I will also be so grateful to have Liam and Grace’s wonderful daddy in my life. I will of course celebrate having my own wonderful dad who is such a great dad and grandad. And tomorrow I’ll also give thanks to Alan’s dad Shay. I’m sad I never got to meet him but I’ll always be grateful to him for raising such a kind, caring man whom I will always love with all my heart both as my husband and Liam and Grace’s daddy xx

You light the skies up above me, A star, so bright you blind me, don’t close your eyes, don’t fade away, don’t fade away. Yeah you and me we can ride on a star if you stay with me girl, we can rule the world, yeah you and me we can light up the sky if you stay by my side, we can rule the world. All the stars are coming out tonight, they’re lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you. (Take That, Rule the World).

I remember when I first found out that the 15th of October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day and that between 7-8pm you are invited to join the global wave of light by lighting a candle in memory of all babies gone too soon. By lighting a candle for one hour at 7pm wherever you are in the World means there is a continuous wave of light worldwide on the 15th of October each year. I logged onto Facebook late that evening in 2015 and I was so disappointed to see that I had missed it. It was the first time I’d heard that such a day existed and I don’t know whether it was because it was the first time it directly affected me or whether it was the impact of social media which helped increase awareness. Although I was too late to light my candle I decided to mark the day by sharing a post from Feileacain on Facebook (I had no idea how important this charity would become to us) and although few people knew I had miscarried earlier that year my post probably confirmed that I was one of the 1 in 4 people affected by baby loss.

It breaks my heart that each year the number of candles I lit to mark this day increased. Lighting an extra candle each subsequent year became increasingly tough and worrying for me and I vividly remember in 2017 lighting 3 candles knowing that I would be starting ivf again soon and wishing with every part of me that I wouldn’t be lighting more than 3 candles in 2018. I felt I couldn’t cope with another miscarriage but I had no idea how devastating Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day would become as now we will always remember Liam who was stillborn, Grace who was a neonatal death and our 3 babies lost through miscarriages. Sometimes I really struggle to believe that I have lost so many precious babies.

I know and I understand that it is very frightening for people to think about baby loss. It is scary to think that babies die but sadly they do. And the day is necessary to create greater awareness, remembrance and support for the 1 in 4 people and families it affects. For Liam and Grace the cause of them dying was “simply” that they were born too early. So I don’t have any words of wisdom that may prevent other parents going through the same, it’s not something anyone can stop from happening. But for many bereaved parents they want to honour their babies memory by informing people of the signs or things to watch out for in pregnancy that may prevent other babies from dying in the same way as their precious baby. For example I never knew that an increase in a baby’s movements can be a warning sign of distress in late pregnancy and you should present to hospital to get your baby checked. For me a decrease in movement would have been alarming but I’m not sure I would have realised the significance of extra movement. So I think creating awareness is vital. Just like being aware of the warning signs of breast cancer or the recent campaign about sepsis we need to create awareness of baby loss. Although it is scary I believe it is just as important as any other awareness campaigns. And by increasing awareness we can only hope that similar to the reduction of people dying from breast cancer each year, the alarming numbers of babies dying will also start to decrease.

Another equally important part of this day is to let parents whose babies have died feel supported and to know that they are not alone. When your baby dies you can feel very lonely and isolated. It can feel like you are the only parents going through this heartache but sadly there are so many people who have been through and are going through the same. And although you wish others didn’t know the pain it is comforting to share the overwhelming feelings you experience and know that others understand and share your thoughts and feelings. Since Liam and Grace were born and died I have been very vocal about them, I love talking about them. And I’ve been surprised by the number of people who have responded to me by sharing their stories about their baby losses. People I had no idea had lost their baby suddenly confided that they also knew the pain. I honestly believe we never know what people have been through and are going through. And the terrible taboos of years ago prevented people from talking about their babies who died. To me it highlights the importance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day as it will increase awareness and break down the stigma of baby loss. Hopefully it brings comfort to those who don’t get to talk about their loss for whatever reason but reassures them that they are not alone and there is a community of people who understand their loss and pain.

Last year on 15th October myself and Alan lit candles for our precious babies and watched as so many other bereaved parents shared their photos on our Feileacain private page. And Feileacain shared a photo of Liberty Hall lighting up blue and pink in remembrance of all babies gone too soon. For me it was amazing to see a building lighting up the sky for all our beautiful babies. But afterwards as I read about all the buildings that light up around the world I knew we could do better in Ireland. Our precious babies deserve to have more than one building lighting up for them. I was delighted that Feileacain agreed and we started a campaign to get more buildings lighting up blue and pink.

So on 15th October this year lots of buildings around Ireland will light up blue and pink in remembrance of all our beautiful babies. The campaign has had a great response to date with local authorities, hospitals, castles and other iconic buildings showing their support by lighting up. To date we have over 60 buildings lighting up and I’ve no doubt it will bring comfort to people affected by baby loss across Ireland. Building by building we are raising awareness and breaking down the awful stigma of baby loss. We hope that people will feel supported and know that they are never alone. And the impact our babies made by lighting up our lives for such a short time is a light that will shine forever in our hearts and memories.

List of Confirmed buildings lighting up blue and pink* to date:

Absolute Hotel Limerick

AIB Molesworth Street Dublin

Aras Chill Dara (2 trees)

Aras an Chontae, Carrick-on-Shannon

Arklow Bridge (Pink)

Arklow Courthouse (Blue)

Askeaton Tourist Office Limerick

Athenry Heritage Centre Galway

Axa Insurance Ireland HQ Dublin

Bank of Ireland College Green Dublin

Blackrock Castle Cork (Purple)

Block A, George’s Quay Dublin

Boyne Valley Foods Drogheda

Bremore Castle Balbriggan

Bunratty Castle Clare

Carlingford Heritage Centre Louth

Carrickmacross Civic Offices Monaghan

Carmichael Centre Smithfield

Castletown House Kildare

Cavan Courthouse

Cavan General Hospital

Convention Centre Dublin

Coombe Hospital Dublin

Cork County Council

Cork City Hall

Cork University Maternity Hospital

Donegal Town Public Service Building

Dublin Bus Head Office

Dublin City Council Civic Offices

Dublin City Hall

DCU College

Galway County Council

Galway City Hall

Galway University Hospital

Heuston Station Dublin

Holles Street Maternity Hospital

House Limerick

Irish Life Dublin

Kerry County Council Corporate Buildings

Kilkenny County Council Offices

Letterkenny General Hospital Donegal

Letterkenny Public Service Building

Longford Town Hall

Louth County Council

Liberty Hall Dublin

Limerick City and County Offices

Lynches Pharmacy Kells Co Meath

Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals Blanchardstown

Market House Monaghan Town

Markievicz Bridge Sligo

Maudlin Tyre Centre Kells Co Meath

Midlands Regional Hospital Mullingar

Mullingar Arts Centre

Navan County Council (2-5pm)

Newbridge Town Hall

One Pery Square Hotel Limerick

Our Lady of Lourdes Hospital Drogheda

Portincula University Hospital Galway

Rock of Cashel (Purple)

Rotunda Hospital Dublin

Ryanair Simulator Office Swords, Dublin

Savoy Hotel Limerick

Shamrock Press, Kells Co Meath

St Clare’s Church Graiguecullen Carlow

St Laurence Hotel Illumination Navan

St Mary’s Church Dungarvon, Co Waterford

Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre Dublin

Strand Hotel Limerick

Swords Castle Co Dublin

The Four Courts Dublin

The George Hotel Limerick

The Mall Waterford (2 buildings, 1 blue and 1 pink)

The Mansion House Dublin (Purple)

Trinity College West Front

Tullamore Head Office Co Offaly

Ulster Bank College Green

University Hospital Limerick

Waterwipes Ireland Drogheda

*Westport House Mayo

Wexford County Council

From the minute Liam and Grace came into this World I wanted them to have a purpose. For the short time they were here they brought me and their daddy so much. They made us parents, they showed us what it is like to love someone unconditionally with all your heart. They gave us so many memories with them, made us feel complete, made our house their home. They brought so much love with them and gave us the best few days together. Although Liam and Graces time was so short they made an immeasurable mark on me and their loving family. And I want others to know and understand how much they have brought us.

So how do you ever start to repay these two special little people who brought us so much but are gone so soon? The only way I can think of is to tell people about them, ensure that they are never forgotten. To give them a voice and a legacy in any way I can. It’s why I started writing this blog. It’s why I started the campaign with Feileacain to get buildings lighting up blue and pink, it’s the only way I get to be their mammy now and show the world how important they and other babies gone too soon are. It’s hard to know how you can help people understand how special our babies are to us and always will be.

And it makes me burst with pride that Liam and Grace are making a difference. Recently someone told me that a person in their workplaces wife sadly gave birth to a stillborn little girl. This person explained that because of reading Liam and Graces blog she knew how important it is to acknowledge their precious baby. She asks her colleague about their baby, even asked if they would like to share a photo, which they proudly did. She told me that she feels comfortable talking about their baby because of this blog. And how special is that! How wonderful to know that someone else’s pain is hopefully eased even just for a few moments when they get to talk about their little girl because of my precious babies. That is what it’s all about. Also the bereavement midwife in the hospital Liam and Grace were born in told me that she printed their blog and gives it to trainee midwives to read. She said it gives them an insight into one mams experience and she hopes it will help them understand the complex feelings and emotions that happen when you are giving birth to babies who won’t survive. And I hope that by reading about Liam and Grace they will be better equipped to help other parents who will sadly have the same experience as us.

A few weeks ago Feileacain asked me if I’d like to give an interview to RSVP magazine. I jumped at the opportunity to reach out and tell more people about Liam and Grace and the wonderful work Feileacain do. It amazes me how different I feel about things like talking to a journalist now. Before Liam and Grace I would have run a mile away but now I welcome every opportunity to tell the World about Liam and Grace in the hope of making a difference in their name and honour. And following the article I was invited on 2fm to talk to the lovely Jennifer Zamperelli about Liam and Grace and about grief in general. And I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed at the feedback since that interview a few days ago. In the last few days over 1,500 people from around the world have visited this blog and read about my precious babies. I can’t explain in words how much that means to me as it means so many people are thinking about Liam and Grace.

And I’ve received so many private messages from people in similar situations who have suffered the pain of baby loss. I am humbled that they have been able to connect with me and share their story. People have expressed that my thoughts and feelings expressed through this blog are exactly the same as how they feel. I understand how much it can help when you find someone who speaks your language and understands your pain. Burying your own child is something nobody should experience. And the thoughts and feelings that follow such a traumatic experience are overwhelming. They can literally make you question if you are losing your mind. It is such a lonely and scary place to find yourself. I remember searching the web looking to read blogs, articles…anything that would tell me that other people felt the same way as me. So I get it when they tell me that it has helped them and it makes me feel blessed that by sharing my babies I have helped others in some small way. And although I have no words of wisdom or a magic wand to make them feel better I hope that they feel comforted and less lonely by connecting with the words of another heartbroken mammy.

However, I must admit that I do feel a bit of a fraud though when people say how strong or brave I am. A lot of people who have been in touch over the last few days have commented about me being strong and this worries me. I suppose it’s made me realise the dangers of social media and the impressions people can get. And I guess it worries me that other bereaved parents see me as being strong because it’s so far removed from how I feel. And I worry because I know it’s human nature to compare ourselves. I fear that mammys in the same situation might question themselves and compare themselves to someone as they see as strong. And I want them to know that I feel exactly the same things they feel. Of course we are all different and we all grieve in our own way but some people were messaging me as if I have moved on from my grief and that I’m fixed now and they seem to feel that they’re different to me. But I haven’t moved on and I’m certainly not fixed. It’s hard to know what to say as I’m just a grieving mammy too but I want to connect with them as I know how isolating baby loss is.

I try to be honest and all I can really say is that I understand their pain, I know how crippling baby loss is. I understand the awful anxiety, the depths of pain and the endless guilt that comes with baby loss. And it’s still the same for me now even though I’m talking on the radio and campaigning to get buildings lighting up. I still go to counselling every week and take tablets to help me sleep at night. There are times when the love I have for Liam and Grace enable me to do things I never thought possible such as radio interviews and there are times when the pain of losing my precious babies makes me question how my heart is still beating. But the love I have for Liam and Grace and the joy they brought to me and their daddy makes every bit of the pain worthwhile. And I can only hope that will be the same for every heartbroken parent. And I always suggest that they contact the support line in Feileacain. Then they can talk to bereaved mammys who are much further along this journey than me who can offer them hope as they know that time does help. They always explain how the love and pain never goes away but that we learn to cope better with it, it just takes time.

Following the interview with Jen I have heard from other buildings who will light up blue and pink on 15th October and a company made a very generous donation to Feileacain after hearing the interview. This makes me so proud as I know how important these donations are to Feileacain and I know the difference it makes. But the message that made me proudest was from a bereaved mammy who works in an office. She said they had 2fm on in the office and after listening to the interview 2 people in her office asked her about her precious baby and she expressed how much that meant to her. I was so pleased for her and also so proud of Liam and Grace as I know without any doubt that they are making a difference!

I’ve been waiting such a long time, looking out for you. But you’re not here, what’s another year? I’ve been crying such a long time with such a lot of pain in every tear, what’s another year? (What’s Another Year, Johnny Logan).

When you’re grieving it is so hard to bring in a new year. While many people welcome a new year full of hope and dreams it is so different when you are missing those you love most. In the past a new year brought us the hope of a new round of treatment, the year that would finally be “our year”, but not anymore, now it just represents another year that Liam and Grace are missing. 2017 will be the final year I looked forward to with innocence and hope of a New Year starting. I was two and a half months pregnant with Liam and Grace. We had a scan a few days previously and for the first time we heard the magical, strong sound of our two babies hearts beating. That beautiful music brought the hope and reassurance we desperately needed to believe 2018 would be our year, the year we would finally become a mammy and daddy. I vividly remember sending my family a photo on New Years Eve with my dry crackers and bottled water and I had captioned it….And I couldn’t be happier. Not even crippling heartburn could wipe my smile as I happily went to bed at 9pm conscious that I was carrying the most precious cargo.

And then I remember this time last year. I had been dreading our first Christmas without Liam and Grace and had given no thought to bringing in a New Year. But I remember the pure panic and anxiety when it eventually dawned on me that we were leaving 2018, the year they were born. The year we became proud parents to our beautiful son and daughter. Suddenly it would be last year and I felt so much dread and panic. And now it has been a full year since then. I wonder how that can be. Time can be so strange when you are grieving. At times a day can seem endless and yet weeks and months seem to pass by in a blur. In many ways I still hate the start of the New Year and I think I always will. It means that more time is passing without them and our precious time together becomes longer and longer ago. But I don’t feel the same dread as last year. In many ways I didn’t have the words then for why I felt such panic but looking back I realise it was fear. Fear that the passing of time would mean that my precious babies would be forgotten. That life would move on for people and Liam and Grace would no longer be important. But thankfully I no longer fear that time passing means that Liam and Grace will be forgotten. My family and friends constantly amaze me with the lovely ways they show their love for Liam and Grace. They hold Liam and Grace in their hearts and I am so comforted to know that they will always be a part of their lives.

For bereaved parents I think our biggest, worst fear is that our babies will be forgotten. I feel so sad when I constantly read posts from other parents who say that people don’t include or mention their baby that died. It is so sad because I know the small things people can do or say about our babies that bring so much comfort. It is hard to explain how much it means when Christmas cards include our babies names. Whilst I completely understand why people don’t include Liam and Grace and I honestly don’t know what I would have done before, it is so lovely when their names are included. Cards with “Thinking of Liam and Grace” or that “their cousins asked santy to bring them presents” brought such comfort. Just to have them included is all we want. They are such a big part of our lives and always will be. And 2019 has taught me that my lovely family and friends not only brought Liam and Grace with them into the year, they kept them with them and I now feel secure that they always will. From sending photos of their names written in the sand, to photos of their ribbon in iconic places around the World I am so comforted that Liam and Grace will never be forgotten. To know that people are thinking about them and loving them is the most precious gift and I wish more bereaved parents could be blessed in this way. If you are reading this and know someone bereaved please please don’t be afraid to talk about their loss. I feel I can say this with certainty as I hear it time and time again on our bereaved parents page. Of course not everyone that loses a baby is on our bereaved parents page and there may be people who would prefer for their baby not to be mentioned so if you’re not sure just ask. Ask them how they would like their baby to be remembered, follow their lead but please just don’t be afraid to ask them.

It is because my family continue to be so loving to Liam and Grace that I know I’ll never feel the panic and dread of last year again. This year my lovely aunty and uncle put a Christmas tree in their front garden with Liam and Grace’s ribbon on it which provided a lovely memory on Stephens day when their cousins visited their tree. It breaks my heart watching their cousins include Liam and Grace because I wish they were protected from the cruelty and reality of babyloss. But they seem to take it all in their stride, they say their names with such ease and their names are not only said with sadness. They always consider Grace the messer and have told me lovely, funny things that they believe she has done. It is so lovely to hear and my nieces and nephews always make me burst with pride. Earlier this year my brother was talking about them and he lovingly referred to Liam as Liamo. He looked at me unsure and asked if I minded him being called Liamo. The truth was I couldn’t have loved it more, in that moment he brought Liam alive for me, he referred to him with an affectionate nickname just like he does with all his other nieces and nephews. I never want Liam and Grace treated differently, as much as I know and understand that this is not possible, so I’ll always savour those precious times when they are just part of the gang.

Of course like so many people starting into a new year I find myself reminiscing. As I look back now on 2019 I can see how much has been achieved in Liam and Grace’s name. They helped light up 82 buildings in Ireland on babyloss remembrance day and it is only with the passing of time that I can appreciate the impact of that. They are helping break the taboo and stigma surrounding babyloss and that fills me with pure mammy pride. Their names were heard on national radio and their blog is being read around the World. I love seeing the different countries that they are reaching in their blog stats. There were also articles about them in newspapers, magazines and on RTE online during babyloss remembrance day. It is safe to say they are well known and they are raising so much awareness. I have connected with so many people and it’s the personal messages that touch me the most. I love hearing from other bereaved parents when they tell me that Liam and Grace have helped them in some small way. Indeed it is unfair to just mention bereaved parents as I’ve had so many lovely messages from people who haven’t been directly affected by babyloss but say that their blog or the radio interviews gives them a deeper understanding of grief and loss and will help them support people better. This is so special to hear and makes me realise that Liam and Grace are making a difference in this world. It’s why I do it and it’s why I will always shout their names.

So I’ll move into 2020 with Liam and Grace securely in my heart and in the hearts of so many others. We will continue to try raise awareness but of course no matter what happens or what we achieve it will never make it ok. It all comes at too high a price. Liam and Grace will always be dead and that’s the reality we have to live with each and every day. We will always try raise awareness of baby loss, we will always try give Liam and Grace a legacy but we would change it all in a heartbeat to have them here with us. Thanks to everyone who have supported me and Alan through it all and special thanks to everyone who thinks about and loves our Warrior and Princess, Liam and Grace.

Liam and Grace Doyle
The Warrior and The Princess
Heaven

Dearest Liam and Grace,

I need to start by telling you that I love you both equally. It seems a funny thing to say, not that your mammy loves you but emphasising that my love for you both is equal. It is something I think a lot about now, ever since I found out that although both of you were born and died together only one of you is publicly recognised as our child. My heart breaks saying that Son but sadly that is the harsh reality of the stillbirth register being private in Ireland despite it being 2020.

Let me go back to the 23rd March 2018, the day I met you both, the day I felt that first rush of pure, unconditional, absolute love. Myself and Daddy had waited a long time to meet you both, we had struggled through 4 rounds of IVF, 3 recurrent miscarriages for this day. But it wasn’t how I thought it would be, it wasn’t the fairytale moment I had dreamt of since I was a little girl playing with dolls. I was 22 weeks 6 days pregnant with you both when the bomb exploded without any prior warning. My waters broke abruptly and we had a few short hours to try comprehend that I was in premature labour about to give birth to you both knowing you wouldn’t survive. It is impossible to describe the pain of giving birth when you know your babies won’t get to live. The physical pain is incomparable to the emotional devastation and heartache.

I vividly remember the last big push and the deafening silence that filled the room when you made your entrance to the World Liam. The lovely midwife with tears in her eyes explained you had just stopped breathing before you were born. And as she lifted you up and I got my first glimpse of you I felt a rush of pure overwhelming love which took my breath away. You were so beautiful. Small, but oh so perfect. I carefully cut your cord, knowing I couldn’t hurt you gave me this confidence and you were gently placed on my chest. As I soaked in every perfect feature of you I suddenly felt an urge to push again which I tried to ignore. I wanted to savour this moment with you son and I wanted to keep my little girl safe and alive inside me. Another strong urge followed which I had no power to stop, my body took over and suddenly I heard the most beautiful whimper I ever heard. You were alive Grace. Your big brother, our Warrior, had the tough birth making your entrance to the World easier and giving you the strength to breathe. Every breath you took mattered Grace and for 31 precious minutes you lived on my chest beside your big brother. Your daddy didn’t want to disturb his princess and sacrificed holding you while you were alive Grace so we could have every second together. He simply is the kindest, most loving daddy. As I looked down onto my chest with your daddy beside us I felt a contentment, a happiness that’s hard to describe. It was my perfect moment, my lotto winning moment, I was a mammy to the two most beautiful babies and my heart felt like it would burst with love and pride.

You were lucky Liam and Grace and I know lucky is a very strange word to use considering everything. But you were lucky to be born in 2018 in a time where babies who are stillborn like you Liam or a neonatal death like you Grace are better understood. There was sadly a time when babies just like you weren’t named, didn’t spend time with their parents or didn’t get the burial they deserved. Things changed slowly over time but it wasn’t until Feileacain were formed in 2010 that big changes happened. Because of the wonderful volunteers in Feileacain who are bereaved parents like your mammy and daddy we got to spend our special few days together. We did our best to squeeze a lifetime of love and memories into 3 short days. We made every second of every minute count and I hope you felt all the love that surrounded you. We got to bring you home, bath you, introduce you to your loving family and take photos which we will treasure forever. As our time together was heartbreakingly short I was so aware that I wanted it to be fair and to spend equal time with you both. I wanted you both to feel every single bit of my love. I’d ask your daddy to time me as I held you Liam in my arms, kissing and cuddling you before it was your sister Grace’s turn. Liam went first Grace only because he was the oldest.

It was months after our weekend together when there was another explosion. Nothing could ever compare to the first bomb but the repercussions of this second explosion were hard to believe. I vividly remember the moment that I found out the stillbirth register in Ireland is private meaning you aren’t publicly recognised as our son, Liam. You are formally recognised as our daughter Grace as you were born alive. At first I tried to console myself with the fact that so many people know your names, we talk about you constantly, write about you, share you with the World. But then I realised it’s not the immediate future I fear, I worry about generations to come that if they were doing a family tree they would believe that me and daddy had one child. I can’t allow that to happen, I won’t allow you be forgotten Son.

I firmly believe change can happen Liam and Grace, I’ve seen the proof. I can’t imagine parents whose precious babies were born and died more than 20 years ago could ever imagine a day when babies who died could be brought home and make so many special memories with their parents. In comparison to that what we want seems like such a small change but such a significant one. We just want you publicly recognised as our Son Liam. Of course we are mindful of protecting secrets that may want to be kept hidden for lots of different reasons. So we are asking the Government to open the stillbirth register from now but also to give parents whose babies were registered in the past the option to make them public. It means every parent gets the option to either stay private or to shout it from the rooftops. It is such an honour to lead this campaign on behalf of Feileacain and I promise I’ll fight with everything I have for you to be publicly recognised Liam and for every other parent who wants their baby recognised in this way also. If you lived Liam and Grace I would want to give you the World, now the least I can do is have the World recognise you both as our precious son and daughter.

I could keep writing, there’s so much I want to say but I’ll finish now by thanking you both for choosing us to be your mammy and daddy. Thank you for each and every precious memory we had together. Please always know we love you both equally to the moon and back our beautiful Warrior and Princess.

All our Love Forever and Ever,
Mammy and Daddy xxxxx